This Thing Called Life

Obviously, I’ve been off the grid for a while. There have been several reasons for that. I’ll share the skinny with you. I will start by saying how happy I am that the last two weeks are behind me! Here we go.

First, my  oncologist and I discovered a new lump. We decided to go for the biopsy route to be sure I wasn’t going back down the melanoma road. Thank the Lord that it is just the last node I have on right side of my armpit. The theory being my body is fighting  off some infection and is working overtime. We will be watching it for any changes.

Secondly, that same week, my legs had been bothering me. I didn’t think much of it until I couldn’t lay down, sit upright, twist or turn. I called my dad and he took me to  the ER. They gave me pain meds and did a CT. The CT showed that I have a bulging disc. The good times were really keeping us busy.

Here’s another one for you, the next day I woke up with a full body rash. I got in to the doctor. We went through the rundown of anything that could have caused it, came up empty. The doctor had ordered some blood work to see what  possible cause might be going on. They put me on steroids and prescription strength anti-itching pills. I should note that I was already on steroids for my back. The doctor changed them to stronger ones. Okay, so now my back and legs are improving, and the rash has gone away. In entered my blood work results. My liver enzymes were high. An ultrasound was ordered. I called my oncologist to get his opinion. He felt that my numbers were ok, as these numbers seem to be my baseline. He told me to go ahead and have the ultrasound just to be on the safe side. At this point I told my dad I was done. It is just too hard, nothing has been simple or gone the way it was supposed to. I was done with hard. My tank was empty and it didn’t matter what people said to make me feel better. Praise the Lord there was no tumor on my liver. Life was settling down, or so I thought…

While this was going on, Bailey (my dog) was having a few issues too. I took her to the vet and they put her on steroids to help with the arthritis. It seemed to be working. Then last Tuesday she couldn’t get up without help. It was obvious that she was in pain. We went to the emergency vet. She had to be carried in because her back quarters gave out. The vet ran some tests. Turns out Bailey had an aggressive form of liver cancer. Here comes the hard again. I could put her on more medicine, take her home, and watch her go slowly and in pain. Or, I could do what was best for her. Alyssa and I knew we had to put Bailey to sleep, it was the right thing to do. We cried, and sat with her before, during, and after. As hard as that was, we are now struggling with her not being here. Its the little things. Sleeping by one of us at bedtime, happy to see us come through the door, laying down on my bathroom floor when I shower. I know it will take time and we will find a new “normal”.

I keep telling myself that hard is just a part of life. God gives us wonderful family and friends. He doesn’t make these things happen. He is there holding our hand, or carrying us when the hard gets too hard. I am so thankful for Him and all the amazing people in my life. You are like a tonic for my soul. I strongly believe that I could not get through all of these hurdles without your love and support. Hard makes the good times and things even better. We know what we had to go through to get to the good stuff, and we appreciate them all the more. We all have our hard, but, we can get through it. Sometimes we just need to remind ourselves until we believe it. Stay strong, believe for the good, keep your chin up, and charge onward.

“Strength grows in the moments when you think you can’t go on but you keep going anyway.”

Thanks for reading,

Jody

How can one day be both good and bad? Seems strange… I find myself having many mood swings these days. I think this is the part that I have heard about when people get tired. I was told in the beginning it would happen. My oncologists said to stay active, recognize what is going on, and make sure I have people to talk to.

I’m not feeling sorry for myself. There are people who I know personally that are in situations much worse that mine. I am just finding that this funk is hard to get out of. I’m doing everything that I am supposed to. It is just a weird place to be in… It’s like constantly paddling while staying still.

Today I had my routine appointment with my oncologist. He told me that I’m doing better than most of his patients that are on the same drug protocol. I’ll gladly take that, seeing that there is only a 13% completion rate for my treatment. Many get tired and frustrated with it all ( I can totally relate), some are taken off the drug because it is too hard on their bodies, and some don’t survive. Depressing number…I was determined to not let that bother me. I mean, I’m not even at the halfway point yet. That thought can be rather daunting at times.

I have had so much support from my family, church, and friends. I am so very thankful! It does help. I just am to that point where the rubber meets the road. I don’t know which days of the week I dislike more. Chemo days, I have come to hate needles. I have to gear up every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday just to give myself a stupid (yet necessary) shot. Then there are Tuesdays and Thursdays, reaction days from said chemo. It sure does sound like I and whining. I think it is just more venting than anything else.

I get out and do things. I have fun with friends. I’m attempting to get back to work. These things just take more energy physically and mentally… I guess this is also where I need to do what my big fat mouth tells other people to do. I’m great at giving advice, it’s the taking it part that I’m not so great at. My girls keeping reminding me that I need to put my money where my mouth is, and we all know how much I like to talk… Well, it’s time for me to shuffle off and find some trouble to get into. Thanks for taking the time to read!

‘Til next time,

Jody

“Sometimes, carrying on, just carrying on, is the superhuman achievement.” – Albert Camus

I started this entry on a note of frustration, as I have been in a bit of funk for the past few weeks. I was going to write about it, not in any sort of depressing way. There have been moments of reprieve, but, the frustration keeps hitting back.

Things took a decidedly different tone after my first paragraph. There was a gift bag at my doorstep that I hadn’t seen earlier in the day. It’s common for that to happen. The gifts in the bag were extremely thoughtful, as always. The generosity of everyone around is very humbling! I have people I have never met praying for me, and sending me things to keep my spirits motivated.

These things are such blessings. It’s not the gifts (they are wonderful and some things took a lot of thought and time), it’s the people and the thoughts behind the gifts. The fact that so many people have taken the time to let me know that I am in their thoughts is just so very humbling.

There are many things that I still cannot do, and the chemotherapy causes depression. It can be hard being at home and seeing things that you would like to do or fix… Through the frustration and bouts of the “blahs”, there have been many blessings. The biggest being my family and friends. Both have come to my rescue on several occasions.

Take tonight, for example. Thankfully, the very thoughtful gift lifted my mood. I would have been just fine with that, and I would have been content to just do a little writing. Instead, I got a call from a great friend in Texas. We talked, and laughed, and talked, and laughed some more. We talked about the past, the present, and the future. She is coming for an extended visit this summer. I cannot wait!! The only soreness I have tonight is in my cheeks and belly from laughing so hard for one and 1/2 hours.

It’s easy to get caught up in circumstances. I remind myself that I am not my circumstances, they are just temporary. Recently, I had some friends come by for a visit and lunch. They are sisters and have been dealing with a huge loss. We laughed and encouraged one another to stay strong. They too, are able to see a restful or peaceful moment amidst all the chaos that can be our lives sometimes.

I am a very blessed lady! I am so thankful for the people I have in my life. I am also thankful for the ones that God has looking after me, that I have yet to meet. I see the blessings when they show up at my doorstep, bearing smiles and what will undoubtedly be a great time. Phone calls and cards from treasured friends are also great medicine for this girl’s soul. Even with cancer, life is pretty damned great. I know who is in my tribe and that is the real blessing.

Much love,

Jody

“Talk about your blessings more than you talk about your burdens.” – Unknown

These past few days, thoughts of my test days keep rolling around in my head on the same loop. Not sure why, maybe just reflecting on where I am at from where I started and how far I still have to go. Some days I wonder how much to share, the whole shebang or the nice polite version. If you know me, you will usually know which way I go with…

The whole shebang it is. I keep thinking about my traveling buddy and my rock, my dad. We have been through so much in this process, and have spent a ton of time together. I have lost count of how many trips we have made to U of M. There were Dr. visits, test days, surgery, and follow ups, etc.

Test days were (still are) a series of waiting games. Get up at 5:00 or 6:00 to start the day’s events. I would make sure that I had all that I needed. It gave me a sense that I had some sort of control of what was happening. My bag had my journal, blanket, iPad, phone and ear buds, laptop, snacks and water. It might be CT day, MRI day, or blood work and meet with the doctor and his team kind of day. Always a full day no matter which it was, physically and emotionally draining. I can remember the first day we drove up the drive of the U of M Melanoma Clinic, that sense of thinking that this can’t be MY life.

Once through the doors, the waiting game begins. Check-in and wait, get vitals and wait, get to your next waiting area. This will be the last place that your support person can go. Now begins the walk down the hallway to get to the prep area. The whole time there is this other game that goes on. We all look at each other thinking, ” How far along are they? Where did their’s show up? Is their treatment plan the same? STOP STARING AT ME! No one is staring anymore than you are.” You can always spot the newbie, we have the deer in the headlights look. Some other patient offers some very timely encouragement and you try to settle in, knowing that it will your day next time to help the newbie not fall apart. It’s oddly soothing.

Now its just me, my music, journal, and the techs. They are very thoughtful, as they know they are with people who are at some of the worst moments of their life. I have also lost count of how many tests I have had, they tend to blend together after a while. They all require and IV and some with contrast (tastes awful) that you have to drink in a very short impossible span of time. Now a pin cushion for life, yay…

Above are pictures from my amusing myself, or trying to keep myself calm before my first CT at U of M. I figured if I photographically chronicled it would be easier to remember events when people asked the inevitable questions, I could just show them. It helps when explaining what that day was all about. You get the idea by now, so for tonight I will spare you the other details. You will just have to wait, I think this where I will push pause on my story and prepare for tomorrow’s fun. As always, thank you for humoring this chick. Until next time.

Always,

Jody

“But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their STRENGTH; they shall mount up with WINGS AS EAGLES; they shall run, and NOT BE WEARY; and they shall walk AND NOT FAINT” – Isaiah 40:31

Today was not one of my better days. In fact, it really stunk. Yesterday was a chemo day. These days, chemo day isn’t the bad day. It’s the day after. I don’t tell you this to gain any sympathy. I merely started typing to try to  get out of my head. Instead of putting it in my journal, I thought to share it with you. I know some people who have had a very rough few days, for a variety of reasons.

We all have our stories, challenges, and testimonies. The journeys might be different, but, the emotions can be the same. It can be very easy to get caught up in the physical pain you are in, or the raw emotion you are feeling over a lost loved one, bad day at work,etc. After all, we are made of flesh. Life can be very harsh at times. The wind picks up. With it comes the sand, stones, sticks, and any debris along the way. By now you must have noticed that you can absolutely get pummeled by all of those elements.

All of the above can wear you down. It isn’t easy to always remain steady in the eye of the storm. It can be physically painful, emotionally draining, just downright exhausting. Quitting ALMOST seems like a reasonable option. THAT CAN NEVER BE THE OPTION! The enemy, the storm doesn’t get to win. This is the time to muscle up Buttercup.

When I am preparing for battle there are three thoughts that ALWAYS go through my mind. First, I have no idea how I’m going to get through it. Second, I KNOW that God will carry me all the way, even though I might not know what it is going to look like. Third, I know that I WILL get through it, it’s just going to bloody and ugly. That is when I arm myself with all my weapons at my disposal. My faith, family, FOG(family of God), and my friends. There are no better weapons! I use them all with unrelenting purpose and resolve. I have my moments when I feel weak or unprepared. At those moments, THAT IS WHEN GOD SENDS ME EVERYTHING THAT I NEED. When it’s done, I pick myself up, dust myself off, muscle up, and move on. I’m not saying it’s easy, it is necessary. Before long, there will be another storm on the horizon. In between the storms, I do as much as I can, love and laugh as much as I can, and find rest when I can. My dear friends, KNOW that you can ALWAYS survive the storm if you stay the course.

Much love,

Jody

Fate whispers to the warrior,”You cannot withstand the storm.” The warrior whispers back, “I am the storm.” -Unknown

Today is a beautiful warm spring day. You can open up the windows, letting the fresh air in. There is yard work that needs to be done, cars to wash, garages to be cleaned out, or grilling to do. All of which are things dealing  with something that I have loved my entire life, being outside.

I am a lake person! I MEAN I AM A LAKE PERSON. I grew up on a lake, my grandparents lived on a lake, and my aunt and uncle had a vacation place on a lake. If there was water, I was in it or around it. Captain Obvious would say I have no doubt this certainly helped lead to my current situation, among other factors…

The lake was always my happy place, my safe place. It is the place that, until recently, centered me. It took all my worries away. It let me work through my problems. I celebrated or just relaxed with family and friends. There are far too many memories to go through in just one day.

These days I have a new challenge facing me. How do I go back and face the very thing that helped put me in this lousy situation? The sunshine. Two words. Should be simple right?? Wrong, IT IS TERRIFYING! So, what do I do now? Hide in the house all day, letting a beautiful day pass me by? Not get things done? Be a victim of my self-imposed prison?

I’ll tell you what guys, it is hard facing your fears. After running my daughter to an appointment, I kept doing chores inside the house. I looked outside and wanted to be out there so desperately. I just kept finding other things to do in order not to accept today’s challenge.  My dog kept looking at me while begging me to take her out to bask in the splendor of the afternoon. I know to some it sounds like a very menial task, but, it was Herculean.

The enemy takes EVERY opportunity to get into your head. “You’ll never be able to go chill at the lake again. Or go out and do yard work. Most importantly, you wont be able to feel the sun and wind on your face, listen to all the sounds, join in the fun with everyone else.” It’s hard to not let that get the best of you. I REFUSE to let the enemy win. So you know what I did? You’ll never guess. (drum roll please) Wait for it, I went outside and did some work. Guess what, I didn’t burn up into a million flames, lightning didn’t strike me, and the world kept spinning. Can you imagine, everything was okay? It was better than okay. I could feel the sun and breeze, my dog was a happy camper, and things got done.

There are other scary things to talk about another day. For today, this seemed poignant to me. What is the big deal here you may ask. I had (still have) a fear of something I once used to treasure. It’s so easy to stick with the fear guys, it’s hard to stand and be brave. I urge you, BE BRAVE. Life is too short and bad things happen. Strap into your rollercoaster seat, sit in the front row, put your arms up, and yell at the top of your lungs! Enjoy the ride, it’s the ride of your life. There will be lots of ups and downs, twists and turns, but, they are so worth it. Do what is scary…

Much love,

Jody

You might notice that I am adding new things to the blog as I learn how to fiddle with it. There is a section called humor me, it’s for links and that kind of stuff.I hope that you aren’t offended by some of the things I post. If you are, honestly, there isn’t much I can do anyways.

The point is that I found something and thought it worth sharing. I’m a bit odd to begin with. You add something like cancer to mix, watch out. What little filter I had is gone. Life is far too short and many serious things come up. If I think something is funny, I’m going to share it. Happy Saturday, make it count.

Much love,

Jody

Let me start by thanking everyone for the overwhelming support! It is very humbling and exciting. I’m still figuring this out as I go… This won’t necessarily be your typical breakdown of what cancer is like for most people. I will be telling you what is going on now, and telling you how I started on this journey. I do everything backwards, why should this be any different.

This week marked the start of me giving myself my own Interferon(chemotherapy), via injection at home. I was told it will be much better because it is a considerably lower dose than that of what I was receiving during my IV infusions. While the dose part is true, the rest is total *&%#. When I was receiving my IV infusions of 38 million units (no, I don’t know exactly what that breaks down to), it was with a full IV bag on board. They also gave me Tylenol, Benadryl, and a anti-nausea med.

Cut to Monday. I go in and they show me how to give myself the injection. Which, of, course, I didn’t need any help with because I have given many shots over the years. All went well. Let me back up just a little for a second. The injections are supposed to be better because they are at a lower dose, 19 million units. This should, in theory, make the side effects less.I felt pretty awesome for a couple of hours. I even ran errands, thinking, “look at me, I’m such a bad#$%”.

This is where you can imagine what started to happen. On my way home, the side effects started to kick in. I have to say they were as bad, if not worse than the very first time I had chemo. My visiting nurse and occupational therapist both came for their regular visits, and were just as shocked as I was. Things got progressively worse as the evening went on. I called my oncologist and he told me what to do and said that he hoped I didn’t have anymore severe reactions, as they would have to stop my chemo altogether with me having eleven months to go.

Tuesday came. With it, came a sweet symptom free morning. You can imagine how happy I was. Throughout this 24 hours, I kept trying to figure out why it was so rough. Then it hit me right between the eyes. I didn’t treat my injection like a regular chemo day. No fluid loading(water), no Tylenol, Benadryl, or anti-nausea medications. The other consideration was that, while the chemo is at a lower dose, it doesn’t come with an IV bag full of saline. It only comes with the one ml that you mix it with. That right there makes the injection still heavy-duty.

Today, Wednesday is injection/chemo day. I have to do it three times a week. I HAVE taken all my pre-medications this time. I will be gearing up of the injection in a couple of minutes. Here’s the first lesson I learned THIS week: don’t get cocky. Assume you know nothing, educate yourself, and prepare for anything. I have no doubt that I will be learning more lessons this week…. I will let you know how today goes. Be blessed everyone.

Much love,

Jody